Those Guys II: Them Guys

In Part 1 of this developing series, we singled out 10 of the worstkinds of people to have at your fantasy draft, a motley crew known as those guys. Somehow, though, a few of those guys
managed to escape justice — until now. In Part 2, we make it right by
making light of six of those (other) guys who bring darkness to D-Day.
Call ’em them guys.

6. The Homer

Most people play fantasy to win at all costs, even if it means
picking a player on a rival team. I’m talking Yankees fans drafting
David Ortiz, Cubs fans picking Albert Pujols. But for many, a degree of
favoritism comes into play. And a select few take their hometown bias
too far. Blinded by passion and utterly delusional, the Homer thinks
that his love for the hometown team should transcend the fundamental
rules of fantasy — namely, that all available players are available
equally. He actually believes that he’s entitled to every guy on the
team he roots for (I’m warning you — stay away from my Cubbies!) and that those who infringe on his "territory" are violating some kind of unspoken fantasy code (How could you? D-Lee was mine!).
Charles Darwin was no baseball fan (he died in 1882), but he’d surely
agree that unnatural selection — and the Homer — have no place in a
fantasy draft. Doh!

5. The Jerk

Steve Martin has nothing on this guy, who has the audacity to
criticize the auctioneer whenever a sale doesn’t go his way. The Jerk
typically suffers from a severe inferiority complex and an overblown
ego, the result of which is none too pleasant for anyone in the draft
room. According to the Jerk, if he bids on a player and doesn’t land
him, the auctioneer didn’t close the deal fast enough (Aw, come on, while we’re young!). Either that, or he sold too quickly (Nomar has more patience than this guy!).
The Jerk’s behavior is so out of line, his allegations so absurd that
the auctioneer will usually dismiss his heckling as misappropriated
sarcasm before realizing what a jerk the Jerk really is. Commissioners
should, too, and save everyone the trouble of dealing with this guy on
D-Day.

4. The Lobbyist

When you sign up for a league, you tacitly agree to play by the
commissioner’s rules. And it’s your job — not anyone else’s — to know
exactly what you’re getting into. But the Lobbyist doesn’t see it that
way. Much like his meddling counterparts on Capitol Hill, this guy
believes that he can change rules retroactively to benefit his needs,
just by stirring up support from "the masses." Just watch. This year,
he’ll take can’t-miss prospect Delmon Young in the fourth round before
trying to drum up support for the institution of keeper rules. Then,
after he drafts Pedro Martinez (out until at least the All-Star break)
and Mark Mulder (inactive until at least June), he’ll lobby for an
extra injury slot. But the madness doesn’t stop there. When the
Lobbyist realizes he doesn’t know as much as everyone else in his
league, he’ll try to shorten the draft by a few rounds or suggest that
the rest of the picks be made on auto-pilot. Sports and politics don’t
mix, and fantasy is no exception. But if they must, do your part and
lobby against the Lobbyist on D-Day.

3. The Theorist

It happens: the guy you had your eye on all draft gets taken one
pick before you were going to pull the trigger. But for the paranoid
few among us, this occurrence is no coincidence. It’s a conspiracy. No
matter who you draft, no matter what the round, somehow, it was always
the Theorist’s next pick. (No way — that’s the guy I was going to take.)
As far as the Theorist is concerned, the draft is a much less a
competitive free-for-all than an immaculately conceived plot to destroy
his dream of claiming a fantasy title. The only thing that could keep
this guy from singing his refrain is the No. 1 overall pick.

2. The Fed

Your draft area quickly becomes a war room with the Fed in the
game. This guy guards his draft sheets with his life, handling them as
if they’re top-secret, government-sensitive documents. He’s like the
guy in third grade who shields the answers to his spelling test from
his classmates, only slightly less mature. Much like his much younger
counterpart, though, the Fed operates under the assumption that he has
something to hide, that the information in his possession is actually
worth something. And much like his governmental namesake, he’ll do
anything in his power to ensure that it doesn’t get into the wrong
hands. When it comes to choosing your next leaguemate, make sure the
Fed keeps his business to himself.

1. The Overloader

If winning is the name of the game in fantasy, a guy who ruins his
chances of claiming the title before the season even starts would be a
welcome member of any league, right? Wrong. Enter the Overloader, the
kind of loser nobody likes to play with. This guy monopolizes all the
key players at one position in hopes of using them as bargaining chips
down the road. Unfortunately for the Overloader, it’s impossible to
field a competitive team with 13 second basemen. And unfortunately for
you, your team has a gaping flaw in the infield. You don’t need to be
an efficiency expert to know that everyone’s a loser when the
Overloader’s involved — especially the Overloader.

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