Those Guys II: Them Guys

In Part 1 of this developing series, we singled out 10 of the worstkinds of people to have at your fantasy draft, a motley crew known as those guys. Somehow, though, a few of those guys managed to escape justice -- until now. In Part 2, we make it right by making light of six of those (other) guys who bring darkness to D-Day. Call 'em them guys.

6. The Homer

Most people play fantasy to win at all costs, even if it means picking a player on a rival team. I'm talking Yankees fans drafting David Ortiz, Cubs fans picking Albert Pujols. But for many, a degree of favoritism comes into play. And a select few take their hometown bias too far. Blinded by passion and utterly delusional, the Homer thinks that his love for the hometown team should transcend the fundamental rules of fantasy -- namely, that all available players are available equally. He actually believes that he's entitled to every guy on the team he roots for (I'm warning you -- stay away from my Cubbies!) and that those who infringe on his "territory" are violating some kind of unspoken fantasy code (How could you? D-Lee was mine!). Charles Darwin was no baseball fan (he died in 1882), but he'd surely agree that unnatural selection -- and the Homer -- have no place in a fantasy draft. Doh!

5. The Jerk

Steve Martin has nothing on this guy, who has the audacity to criticize the auctioneer whenever a sale doesn't go his way. The Jerk typically suffers from a severe inferiority complex and an overblown ego, the result of which is none too pleasant for anyone in the draft room. According to the Jerk, if he bids on a player and doesn't land him, the auctioneer didn't close the deal fast enough (Aw, come on, while we're young!). Either that, or he sold too quickly (Nomar has more patience than this guy!). The Jerk's behavior is so out of line, his allegations so absurd that the auctioneer will usually dismiss his heckling as misappropriated sarcasm before realizing what a jerk the Jerk really is. Commissioners should, too, and save everyone the trouble of dealing with this guy on D-Day.

4. The Lobbyist

When you sign up for a league, you tacitly agree to play by the commissioner's rules. And it's your job -- not anyone else's -- to know exactly what you're getting into. But the Lobbyist doesn't see it that way. Much like his meddling counterparts on Capitol Hill, this guy believes that he can change rules retroactively to benefit his needs, just by stirring up support from "the masses." Just watch. This year, he'll take can't-miss prospect Delmon Young in the fourth round before trying to drum up support for the institution of keeper rules. Then, after he drafts Pedro Martinez (out until at least the All-Star break) and Mark Mulder (inactive until at least June), he'll lobby for an extra injury slot. But the madness doesn't stop there. When the Lobbyist realizes he doesn't know as much as everyone else in his league, he'll try to shorten the draft by a few rounds or suggest that the rest of the picks be made on auto-pilot. Sports and politics don't mix, and fantasy is no exception. But if they must, do your part and lobby against the Lobbyist on D-Day.

3. The Theorist

It happens: the guy you had your eye on all draft gets taken one pick before you were going to pull the trigger. But for the paranoid few among us, this occurrence is no coincidence. It's a conspiracy. No matter who you draft, no matter what the round, somehow, it was always the Theorist's next pick. (No way -- that's the guy I was going to take.) As far as the Theorist is concerned, the draft is a much less a competitive free-for-all than an immaculately conceived plot to destroy his dream of claiming a fantasy title. The only thing that could keep this guy from singing his refrain is the No. 1 overall pick.

2. The Fed

Your draft area quickly becomes a war room with the Fed in the game. This guy guards his draft sheets with his life, handling them as if they're top-secret, government-sensitive documents. He's like the guy in third grade who shields the answers to his spelling test from his classmates, only slightly less mature. Much like his much younger counterpart, though, the Fed operates under the assumption that he has something to hide, that the information in his possession is actually worth something. And much like his governmental namesake, he'll do anything in his power to ensure that it doesn't get into the wrong hands. When it comes to choosing your next leaguemate, make sure the Fed keeps his business to himself.

1. The Overloader

If winning is the name of the game in fantasy, a guy who ruins his chances of claiming the title before the season even starts would be a welcome member of any league, right? Wrong. Enter the Overloader, the kind of loser nobody likes to play with. This guy monopolizes all the key players at one position in hopes of using them as bargaining chips down the road. Unfortunately for the Overloader, it's impossible to field a competitive team with 13 second basemen. And unfortunately for you, your team has a gaping flaw in the infield. You don't need to be an efficiency expert to know that everyone's a loser when the Overloader's involved -- especially the Overloader.